This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
