She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
