My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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