I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
