I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
