As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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