Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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