I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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