I am puke
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
