Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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