Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Houston, we have a squirter
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
