I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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