fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
