he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
