but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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