Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
love makes seman taste better
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
