Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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