You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
