I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
