Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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