she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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