You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
