then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
