you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
