Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
