Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
