Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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