Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
