There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
