3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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