Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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