But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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