Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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