I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
