I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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