Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
