He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
