and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
