If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
