and you said cock pushups were impossible
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
