what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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