fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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