The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
