Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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