you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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