There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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