I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
