If i come over, it means nothing
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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