i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
