I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
