I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
