So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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