you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
