I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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