Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
