im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You don't make any sense
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