i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize