when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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