when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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