You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
