why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
false alarm, still single
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize