Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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