4 words: hood of his car
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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