I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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