I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
