I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
