I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
