Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
