Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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